Will your love for your partner last? Here are some questions whose answers may help you see down the road:
Do you share the same values?
Values tend to remain steady over time. Similar or compatible values predict steady or deepening love; incompatible values predict conflict and pain because our values shape our lives and decisions.
Do you have enough in common, but also enough difference to give you both novelty and space apart?
If you have some shared interests, and enough divergent interests to keep things interesting, you are more likely to adore one another through time.
Are you devoted to one another’s desires?
One of the hardest parts of sharing a life is sharing finite resources like time, money, and attention. One of the most rewarding parts of sharing a life is devoting your time, money, and attention to the dreams and hopes of your loved one and seeing their desires come to fruition alongside your own. If you’re mutually devoted to both your dreams, you’ll get the best of both worlds and your love will deepen over time. If you think your wants and ambitions matter more than theirs (or they think the opposite), that will hamper BOTH your happiness over time.
As this partner’s body changes through time, as they shoulder new responsibilities and pressures, as they become more of who they are, can you envision supporting them and loving them more than ever?
This question challenges whether your love is based on everything staying the same, or if it’s got the maturity to weather the very natural changes that life brings us all. If your love is robust, it will endure. If it’s brittle, relying on your partner’s youth, ability, beauty, or availability to you, I’ve got bad news: all of those change, to one degree or another, over many years together. For the best couples, the changes actually foster deeper love.
As your body changes, as you shoulder new responsibilities and pressures, as you become more of who you are, can you anticipate your partner supporting you and loving you more than ever?
Similar to the last question, consider whether you will be loved, desired, cared for and supported through the years, as you change in unavoidable ways. If you will, your love will deepen. If not, your love will sour.
But here’s the twist:
All of these questions are important ones to consider for your long-term relationship, but they actually can’t predict whether you’ll always feel the same way.
In my professional experience with thousands of couples over 27 years and in my own marriage of 22+ years, I don’t think anyone “feels the same way” about their partner through time. I always see that it changes, and it’s either for better or for worse.
Evolution made sure that we would get really excited about new people when we first met so we’d put procreation above all other priorities. But once that first blush of infatuation is gone, nothing recreates those precise sensations, short of a new partner.
That said, we can create EVEN BETTER feelings for our partner down the line! How?
Learn to settle your own most dramatic emotions without acting them out
Look for things to be grateful for and to appreciate, in your partner, yourself, and your life
Talk through your upsets… With SOMEONE ELSE who will listen and help you find your part in the problem, rather than taking sides. Only after that, after you’ve calmed down, and IF it will actually be helpful, talk with your partner at a well-chosen moment with a constructive intent
Stay healthy and energetic, body and soul, as an individual. Invest energy in feeling and looking your best each day and through the years. If you feel good about yourself, you won’t be tempted to blame your lousy feelings on your partner.
Maintain balance between being together and apart, being independent and interdependent, being active and relaxing, and being prudent and having fun together. Imbalance erodes love, and balance feeds it.
Is it possible to tell if a relationship is built to last?
There are good indicators of whether a relationship is built to last. Some include:
Kindness with one another and with yourselves
Approaching difficult conversations gently
Being close and open but not totally wrapped up in one another
Tackling your problems, in a way that’s tough on the issue, but gentle on the people
If a relationship is good, it won’t require lots of work, will it?
Good relationships absolutely still require work. All great relationships are the product of lots of work. The difference between bad relationships and great ones is not the amount of effort. The difference is in what the effort produces.
In a bad relationship, your energy goes down the drain of your own misery, of trying to change your partner, of blaming them or yourself or both, and of indecision about whether you can continue to tolerate the suffering.
In a good relationship, your energy goes into reaching for gratitude when your mind goes to the negative, articulating to your partner your appreciation, admiration, and desires, courageously revealing yourself, creatively designing pleasure and fun into your days, and gently rolling with your partner’s human foibles and mistakes.
This investment of energy pays dividends in many forms: your love deepens over time, you create great memories, you become a wiser, kinder, more resilient person yourself, and you provide an inspiring model and perhaps mentor for others’ relationships.
If your goal for the new year (and for years to come) is to invest in your relationship and build toward the “pinch-me-is-this-really-my-life?” marriage you dream of, you need to go grab your free download of the Couples’ Guide to Planning an Amazing New Year at couplesvision.com. It’s 26 pages of guided love, gratitude, and intention-setting that I’ve used with more than 800 clients over the past 14 years to review the past year and plan for the coming year… IN LOVE.