So many of my clients get stuck in their heads in bed and I’ll hazard a guess that you ‘ve gotten stuck sometimes, too. There are a number of reasons for this.
I want to start by telling you about me as a dancer. Bear with me, here.
If you see me dancing, you may very well be quite impressed. Or embarrassed for me. Depends on your yardstick. A lot of people tell me I'm a good dancer, but I am not personally very impressed with my dancing. Because if I'm dancing, I'm probably doing something that I mean as a joke or entertainment for someone else around me, or most likely just for myself. When I start dancing, there is a way that my joy is contagious to those around me and I do make up some good moves.
When I'm dancing, other people are likely to be interested in what I'm doing, wanting to participate, picking up what I'm laying down, and throwing back even more good energy.
And that's exactly what great sex is about: each of us showing up and having a good time within ourselves, being in our bodies, and being present and available to the sensations that are there. You are not on the floor… or in bed… to be “cool” or “look good.” You’re looking for the synergy you can create between your own creativity and self-expression, and your partner’s. Like dancing, sexuality is meant to be play, it's meant to be pleasure. It's meant to be self-expression. And the more fun, exuberance, and self-expression you embody, the more you will draw your partner into the experience, as well. You don’t have to be “good” technically, “hot” physically by some cultural yardstick, or seductive in some way you’re not. You just have to be INTO it.
This is the basic thing I want you to know today about getting stuck in your head and how to get out of it: if you go into your head, it's because you're misusing sex. You have decided in that moment that sex is about something else. What might you be making sex about?
Performance
A lot of my male clients will get self-conscious when their partner starts to turn attention toward them. They'll say, "The minute she wants to go down on me or touch me and look at me, I get nervous, and I start thinking and then I'm out of the game.” They might lose their erection or just not be present at all for what they are doing.
This is an example of getting stuck in your head. And it means that when she turned toward you, you disappeared into performance.
Self-Evaluation
People of any gender can get stuck in their heads when they feel self-conscious about their bodies. They start to think, "Oh my gosh, what does my '____" look like when I go '____'". Certainly I'm not immune to that pattern of thinking.
When I go into that evaluation mode I get out of enjoyment, presence and into thinking I that sex is an opportunity to be evaluated, to be found either desirable and fabulous or undesirable and bad. And that isn't what sex is. So I'm getting out into a mistake. And that's okay. I can love myself through that moment and just say, "Whoops, I just dropped into evaluation there."
Women are very internally focused a lot of times on our own sensation, and how other people see us. Of course, we have lots of different ways of being as feminine-oriented creatures, but it's very common for a woman to start to focus on her own appearance because she's been taught that she's a commodity to either be selected or not selected.
To get out of your own head in these instances, it's really useful to think of yourself as the experiencer, and the author of the experience, as opposed to a product to be either desirable or found lacking and left on the shelf while a different product was chosen.
And I'll tell you this: your partner is not evaluating you while the two of you are in bed, while they're touching your body and you're touching theirs, while they can smell you and hear the sounds that only you make. When you're in that place alone with them, they are not trying to decide if you're good enough. You are IT, you are SHE or HE or THEY; the ONE.
So let yourself be worshipped and worship yourself at this temple of pleasure. Don't think that we're in the marketplace, haggling for a transaction over a paltry material thing. There's something holy here, and it has already been paid for. It is already fully available. Enjoy.
Trying to “Do It Right”
Another place that people go to is to ask themselves, "Am I doing this right?" If you're wondering if you're doing it right you've stepped out of enjoyment and out of attention. Because if you're thinking, "Am I doing it right?", you're not actually present to your partner's sensations. If you're really present to your partner's sensation, you can care about “How does this feel for you?” But that's very different from "Am I doing it right?"
If you're present to your partner, you'll notice the dilation of their pupils, their respiration rate, the noises they make, and the ways they move their body. You'll be aware of the impact that every move, every kiss is having on them.
You can ask questions like:
"More of this?”
“Would you like me to speed up?”
“Would you like me to slow down?”
“I'm wondering if you'd like more pressure.”
Ask simple yes or no questions and just let them answer however they do. They may simply nod or shake their head or say, "mm-hmm" or "nuh-uh" and that's all you need. Don't worry you're not doing it well enough. So get out of your head and back into what you notice about your partner. And that will cure that thought, "Am I doing it right?"
A Note: Distribution of Labor
One last piece I want to mention about getting stuck in your head instead of getting into your body and the moment is the issue of shared labor. Fair Play is a deck and a guidebook created by Eve Rodsky that she describes as "A couples’ conversation deck for prioritizing what's important." I became a Certified Fair Play facilitator because I believe so strongly that this issue of equitable prioritization and distribution of ALL that is important in a couple or family is CENTRAL to the happiness of our relationships.
“What's important” includes a lot of tasks in our homes, and, for those of us with children, a lot of the things that we do for and with our children. It takes a lot to run a life together. Unfortunately, it does not go without saying that what’s important also includes caring for ourselves, nurturing the relationship, and keeping that spark that makes us interesting to ourselves, because that's the only thing that makes us interesting to one another. Those are not luxuries to place below laundry, dishes, and soccer registration.
If you feel like you have a hard time responding to your partner's interest in erotic connection, and you are stuck in your head, going over your to-do list, another question to ask yourself is "How long is my to-do list relative to my partner’s when it comes to the shared responsibilities in our home? What proportion of our family labor - both hands-and-feet actions AND mental and emotional labor - do I hold alone? And is it too much? Do we need to renegotiate it?"
On the flip side, if you notice that you're the high-desire partner, sexually, and that your partner is often preoccupied with something else at a time when you'd like to connect, erotically, ask yourself, "How much are they holding, compared to how much I'm holding? Why do they have a longer to-do list in their head? And how could we even that out?”
This is something that I help couples work through in my private coaching work. If you’re curious about how Fair Play can change your relationship and sex life, set up a free couples consultation here.
How to Stop the Pattern of Getting Stuck In Your Head
I imagine you have other ways that you get into your head. Whatever those are, I think this same notion will be helpful. Simply remember that you're there to give pleasure and receive pleasure, just as on the dance floor, I'm there to express myself and to enjoy and appreciate self-expression. Just play! If you notice yourself getting into your head, ask yourself "What have I made sex ‘about’? Have I made it about performance? Have I made it about evaluation? Have I made it about scrutiny? I made it about ‘Am I good enough?’"
We make the same mistake in so many areas of our lives. And that's the real beauty of the erotic realm. It's a place where we can wake up to those patterns, where we can really see with crystal clarity "Oh, I did it again, that way that I make everything an opportunity for me to be rejected, for me to be found not good enough. Again, I look at every moment as a chance where I might screw it up."
For a lot of us (and I’m including myself here!), every moment is a chance to be rejected or a chance to be disappointed or frustrated. A lot of people have a pattern of thinking, "Somebody's mad at me" or "Am I about to lose what I have?" Just start to see those moments when you go into your head in bed as places where you're playing out a pattern that you've played out in lots of areas of life. If the mirror of your erotic realm can reveal that truth to you, then it holds the potential to truly transform your life because you can get free from that old story.
Notice for yourself in this moment who you might be, what might be possible, if you didn't have to orient around that concern, that story, that lie ever again. That's a truly phenomenal opportunity.