What were you taught about sex? I don't just mean by your 6th grade teacher (who probably separated your class into two groups -- because “we wouldn’t want boys understanding female sexual structures and responses or vice versa,” right?!? And never mind that there are over 300 different variations between the “textbook” definitions of genitalia… The gender binary is an intellectual construct, not a biological reality.).
I mean what did you learn, before your brain was mature enough to sift through the misinformation and notice what was missing entirely? All the gaps in our anatomical education aside, I invite you to consider: What messages did you take in, consciously and unconsciously? What rules and definitions and ‘standards’ have you learned and obeyed and been directed by and limited by? And which of those no longer serve you?
The most sexually alive, free, creative, and satisfied people are those who were either blessed in the first place to receive really positive, life-affirming messages explicitly to drown out the more sex-negative, restrictive messages in the larger culture (rare creatures indeed!) OR they’re people who’ve deliberately examined the messages about sex, pleasure, desire, gender roles and stereotypes, and the dance of approaching sex with another person. Those people have edited their overall “sexual story” until it’s one that supports the kind of sexual and intimate life they desire. This can be deep work, and I believe it’s essential if we want to live fully in this life.
It’s a huge privilege to do this work with my private clients, whether with just one person or with a couple, and I want to pull back the curtain and invite you into this exploration, too.
Although it’s powerful to explore your sexual story with a skillful guide, with the right questions and just a few pointers, you can do amazing work all on your own.
Are you ready to rewrite your sexual story?
My aim is to help you re-hear… really HEAR in a conscious way… the ways you’ve learned about sex from our culture and your particular community and family, so that you can re-define sexuality for yourself, with more conscious awareness of what you’ve been taught and how that’s shaped what was possible for you.
EXERCISE:
Explore your definitions around sex and sexual experiences.
Here are the 9 key questions to ask yourself about sexuality itself:
What IS sex?
Where is sex supposed to happen?
Whose sex is good? Whose is bad?
When and where and how are YOU supposed to have sex?
What kind of sex do you deserve? What kind do you not deserve?
What about you is sexually worthy or valuable? Which, if any, of your qualities diminishes your sexual value?
On what do your rights to have sex, decline sex, enjoy sex, and want sex (and particular experiences or acts inside it, such as orgasm or receiving oral sex or _____) depend?
Who is sexy? Who is not?
What makes you feel sexy? Should it? Why? What doesn’t? What do you think SHOULD? Does it? Why?
Take notes on what comes up around these questions… Where did you learn this stuff? What were you told - explicitly or implicitly - was important, not important, right, wrong, normal, abnormal, how you should be, and how you should not be?
As we look at all these concepts we’ve absorbed, we can trace their impact through to their natural consequences.
If you presume a particular act or experience (such as pleasuring your partner in a certain way) is right and good, and a different variation (as an example, receiving them pleasuring you) is wrong or bad, what permission will you have if you choose to embody or enact the former? How will you feel if the latter is closer to your own authentic expression? How will you react to others - especially prospective or established sexual partners - who embody qualities from that second group?
If you presume there’s such a thing as “normal” (for instance, a “normal” size for labia or a penis or a “normal” turn-on) and that there’s “something wrong with” all the myriad variations that don’t ‘fit in’ with that, you’ll have particular reactions when you or someone else expresses something beyond the things you’ve put in the ‘normal’ box. What do you recognize as your own reactions to expressions or experiences you view as ‘not normal’?
What have your assumptions and language and value judgments set you up to experience, given who you are, what you like and desire, and who you love and/or have sex with?
These questions could provoke a year-long personal inquiry. I hope they do! I wish you all the freedom, authenticity and pleasure you desire. Enjoy!