It can be hard to stay tuned into one another and turned on by one another after years together. But if you want to be closer and go deeper, decade after decade, there are things you can do to deepen your bond deliberately.
We have evidence-based approaches to love that have been proven to help. Isn’t that great? Here are two things science teaches us about staying bonded for the long haul:
Pairs who engage in activities that are unfamiliar and/or exciting report higher levels of contentment with one another in studies of longtime couples conducted by Arthur Aron, professor of social psychology at SUNY-Stony Brook.
A lot of the excitement of a new relationship is created by the novelty of this new person in our life.
Anthropologist Helen Fisher at Rutgers has studied the neurochemical roots of romantic love extensively. Research shows that experiences with unpredictable outcomes, like a first date, stimulate the production of the neurochemicals norepinephrine and dopamine. After hundreds of evenings together, our partner will no longer be the “new” thing, so to get the same heady brain cocktail, the activity needs to be different or uncertain enough to throw us out of our comfort zone.
That said, we want to try things we’re both interested in, so we’re not too far afield to enjoy the activity. Some activities I recommend that have had consistently good outcomes:
Courting danger, just a little.
Visit an escape room, book a skydiving or hang-gliding session, or simply try stand up paddleboarding or whitewater rafting. Doing something physically challenging or at least dynamic gives us both novelty and often adrenaline, and you’ll bond with your partner over the adventure.
Doing a familiar activity, like having a picnic, drinking tea, or going for a walk, but with one of you blindfolded and the other taking absolute care of the blindfolded partner. You’ll both be out of your familiar routines, and exquisitely tuned into one another.
Learning something new together, especially hands-on.
Whether it’s a pottery class, a history lecture at a local college, or simply watching a TED Talk on YouTube, taking in some new stimulus that you’re both interested in exploring will give you new topics to discuss and stimulate your brains’ reward systems.
Asking each other questions delving into your childhoods, your values, and “would you rather” scenarios.
See who can come up with the most intriguing question. Dig into your curiosity, and into the vulnerability it takes to reveal your innermost self. Even after years together, couples have limitless frontiers to explore in one another.
Having fun out in the world without spending any money.
Regardless how much they normally have to spend, this challenge never fails to tap couples into new resourcefulness, excitement, and connection. You’ll be surprised at what you come up with to do, what fears and curiosities arise as you encounter situations you would normally address with money, and how creative you get together.
All right. Time to operationalize! Pick one - or a handful - of these ideas to experiment with. Get out both your calendars and book in time to play on your edge. The novelty and curiosity you’ll feel will help your relationship in the long term, and in the immediate term, you’ll discover a new edge for yourself… Even as your partner does the same!