Let's talk about desire and deserving.
Some women find that as they and their husbands draw closer, it seems like the closeness itself is scary for their husbands… These men wonder,
"Can I really be what you want me to be? Consistently?"
"Do I deserve the kind of love you want to give me?"
And while I think that IS common for men, it's vital that we also talk about how WOMEN are afraid to receive the love we really desire. It's easier for anyone - male or female - to talk about how our partners limit the relationship's potential (or ask "why can't what we have be good enough!?"), but it's so fruitful to look at the edges of our own capacity for love and receiving.
As women, sometimes our connection to the DESIRE for the closeness helps override (or pick up and carry) the fears. Our social conditioning, our brain structure and our bodies' sensitivity to touch all align to make us crave connection and closeness.
Lucky for us! Because if we didn't have that strong pull TOWARD our partners, what's left underneath that would be revealed: it's terrifying to let someone love you.
With all the work I've done myself and with my husband, I know the fears still live in me, strongly at times:
Do I get to have the love I want?
Do I deserve it?
Does loving ME like that even make sense?
With all my neuroses and flaws and missteps, why does he put up with me at all?
At what point will my asking for what I desire with him - even with a positive intention for BOTH of us to feel more loved - be the last straw? Will my asking for more connection actually backfire and drive him away?
And women share with me other concerns about desire and deserving:
- My body has changed with children and/or time… Do I have a right to desire more sensual intimacy, or do I need to lose weight first?
- He's supporting me financially while I build my business… Isn't it greedy to ALSO ask him for more closeness and attention?
- I'm really not satisfied with the connection we have… but I wouldn't trade it for being single again… Maybe I'd better not rock the boat!
Can you relate? What are your fears or concerns about deserving - or getting to ask for - the love and connection you desire? Share them with me via email or @lisenbury on twitter.