Michele Christensen 0:05
Hello, gorgeous. Welcome back to Sex. Love. Power. I'm Michele Lisenbury Christensen and I invite you here each week to talk about those three things. Because as smart, make it happen women who care a ton about our families, our communities and our work in the world, we don't have a lot of space where turn on, desire, patriarchy, systemic privilege and oppression, brain science and masculine feminine energy dynamics are discussed with the depth and the precision and the soul that they and we deserve. I need this real talk. My clients need it. And the show is finding a growing audience, other people who need it too. So welcome.
Michele Christensen 0:41
I heard from a listener this week that a recent episode sparked a great conversation within HER circle of friends. And I'm so glad to hear about that. And another listener who's a good friend and had my phone number called me up. I'm going to call her Erica. And I told her afterward, "I wish I'd had a recording of what you just said, this would be so perfect for an episode of the podcast," but I didn't record it. So I'm just going to tell you the story.
Michele Christensen 1:01
So Erica says to me, 'Michele, I listened to that episode where you talked about," it was the episode with me and Jessica, where we were talking about really saying what we needed in the bedroom. And she really ran with this. Erica is telling me about what she did that she said, "I just went home and I said to my husband, hey, I want to tell you about wanting you to take the lead, and I want to talk to you about porn." And she's telling me and she says, " I told him about the kinds of pornography that I like. And I asked him if there was anything that he'd been thinking about that he likes that I don't know about? I told him about one of my fantasies." As she was telling me about it, she said, "I sent him the podcast before I talked to him. And I didn't know if he listened to it or not. I think it helped, it was only like 20 minutes long. But I wasn't sure what the effect would be."
Michele Christensen 1:51
It hadn't occurred to me actually, that women would share that episode or any of the episodes necessarily with their partners. But I think it's a great idea! Just us talking and me sharing something with you or someone else. And me having a conversation that a partner can listen in on, a partner might be male or not male, but letting them hear what's really salient for us. If what you're hearing in an episode is really resonant for you, then your partner listening to it might be an easier way for them to hear that message than if you tried to deliver it yourself. So I love that she revealed that that's a different way that we can use the podcast. And also the way that she ran with, "okay, these are the things I'm going to talk to him about," really made me want to turn back to you as the whole audience and say, "hey, go talk to your partner about these things if you haven't before. The key conversations you need to have with your partner about sex.
Michele Christensen 2:44
So what are those from the top? I would definitely say what's most important for you to feel to be able to get out of your head and into your body. What helps you get on what I call the on ramp? So from that stoplight at the beginning of the on ramp... picture you are getting on the highway, you're at zero miles an hour, and you have to get up to 60 miles an hour to really be able to go fully into any sexual encounter, whether that's penetration or not, but just like to really experience physical ecstasy, you've got to get out of your head and get warmed up.
Michele Christensen 3:15
What helps you do that? And does your partner know that? Are you simply being a gatekeeper and saying yes or no? Yes, I'm at 60 miles an hour. Yes. I think I can get there or no, I'm at zero. I'm at the stoplight. I don't think this lights turning green tonight.
Michele Christensen 3:29
What is your on-ramp? What does that look like for you? What are some of the things that they do that help and what could help more? I know one of the things for me is just giving Kurt my back. He'll make some gesture that tells me that he'd like to connect and I'll, maybe just roll away from him, but toward him. Give him my back but bring it close to him so that he knows, even without words that I COULD get in the mood. I'm not yet. But if he lets me slowly warm up, then I can get on the on ramp. So that's a shorthand that we've developed. And we did have explicit conversation, that let us get there. So now we don't have to talk about it. But that's really helpful. So what are your on-ramps?
Michele Christensen 4:10
Also, what are your fantasies that you haven't ever shared? Or that you're not sure what it would be like to actually live it out. But the essence of the fantasy is something that you might like to have more of in your life. So for a lot of women, they have fantasies of being dominated. And I want to distinguish here being dominated doesn't necessarily mean being degraded. It doesn't mean non consensual. It doesn't mean sadism, or masochism. It doesn't mean that someone's not kind to you. What it means is they're in charge. They're handling you and you may actually want to do something that pushes the envelope of physical pain that goes into the territory of sadism and masochism. And that's cool too, if you explicitly say that, but I think a lot of women are afraid to tell their partners, "I want you to dominate," me because I think they're afraid that he's gonna to think that that means she wants to be pinched and spanked and scratched and hurt. And if she doesn't want those things, then she doesn't want to say it.
Michele Christensen 5:06
But if what you want is for him to assert himself, if what you want is to not be asked questions, but instead to be told what's going to happen with that understanding that there is a consent container, and that you will use a safe word, or you will just explicitly say, huhuh. If you're not interested in what he's offering, you can get more of that sense of, you're not having to be in charge that so very many women tell me they're hungry for.
Michele Christensen 5:32
Another thing that your partner needs to know from you is what is a turn on for you outside the bedroom, outside the context of the two of you. What kind of lights you up physically, almost against your will. And you don't have to account for these things, they don't have to make sense. You don't have to like them. This is just what's hot for you. So for a lot of women, seeing pornography with two women kissing each other, or just seeing women's bodies is often a turn on, even if you have no interest in touching a woman's body, or you're strictly monogamous with your partner. And I think for reasons of patriarchy, men tend not to be as threatened by a woman being turned on by another person, if that other person isn't a man. This is what I find with heterosexual men. It seems very misogynistic to me because I think a woman, attraction to a woman, being able to fall in love with another woman is at least as threatening to a monogamous relationship as another man is, possibly more so, but men tend not to be as threatened.
Michele Christensen 6:31
So feel free to open up that conversation. Just like, "what turns you on?" And sometimes, you know there's fruit in the produce department that just feels erotic. It could be the feeling of your own legs brushing against each other when you're wearing shorts, or a skirt. So FIND those things. And if you're not living in touch with your own pedestrian, teeny tiny, everyday turn ons... you NEED to be! This is a source of power, that you're leaving latent. You're not taking advantage of if you don't tap into what it is that turns you on. So your partner needs to know those things. And then you want to ask those questions of them too. What turns them on? What's exciting? And you notice that I'm talking really about a number of things that aren't really personal. Not, here's what I want you to do or here's what turns me on about you or what turns you on about me? I'm inviting both of you to expand your erotic vocabulary and to understand yourselves as erotic creatures, and then share THAT with one another. Because our sex lives get really small and emaciated when we think of each other as the source of our sexuality.
Michele Christensen 7:39
I only get to do things, and I certainly Kurt and I have been monogamous throughout the past 23 years, our sexual connection with other people is restricted to each other. And yet, we don't think of each other as the holder of our sexuality, although that is what our culture teaches us is that in the strictest, patriarchal sense, we're taught that the woman is the gatekeeper, and the man is the one with the high desire. And then nobody is actually like that in reality. So often, a woman's real libido is underneath that cultural programming. And so often men, just like women, desire more connection, not just more sexuality. If there's not connection, they don't want it either. So there's so many ways that each of us in the reality of who we are betray these stereotypes, but I think that that programming exists, that if you are masculine, if you're truly manly, you just want sex any time. And if you are truly a good girl, you don't want sex until your partner asks it of you, and then you do. Those are ridiculous strictures to live under. So they really bear examining and discarding.
Michele Christensen 8:42
And we need to rewrite our own script to match the amazing, curious, one of a kind beast that our own bodies and minds and hearts are. So your turn ons are as unique as your thumbprint. They are absolutely individual to you. And same with your partner.
Michele Christensen 8:59
So I invite you to use these thoughts as a starting place to begin to have a deeper, wider conversation with your partner. I'm going to tell you a couple of other things Erica said to her partner. Erica asked," What are you NOT into? What's one of your boundaries, you know, what couldn't we do? What couldn't I propose? ", And he said, "no gay stuff." And she was like, "What do you mean, like no anal play?" And he said, "I mean, nothing where I'm touching another guy."
Michele Christensen 9:27
And so that's really interesting. I was fascinated by that because I thought yeah, that means that anal play might not be off the table. And I think that homophobia drives a lot of men away from prostate play. And that's a huge source of pleasure for men. It's kind of like a woman not being interested in exploring any of the erogenous zones that are inside her vagina. So you know, G spot, like if we don't want to cut off the range of possibilities, so that's something that you might ask about if you can experiment with just even just like taking the pad of your thumb and pressing gently against your partner's anus when you're fellating him or when you're playing with his testicles or anything really sensitive and really pleasurable. If you can begin to explore a little bit of that.
Michele Christensen 10:18
So being she who helps unlock the gates to greater erotic exploration, to greater erotic intelligence, to deeper, sweeter intimacy for you both is really the role of a lifetime. It's a sacred honor and a beautiful role to play inside your relationship. And it can bring so much revitalization to a long term relationship, that that's really what I want for you. So that's what I hope you get out of the conversation Erica, and I had and the conversation you and I are having right now.
Michele Christensen 10:51
If you've enjoyed this or other episodes, what would help me and the podcast immediately is if you would leave a review, particularly an apple podcast, because reviews and downloads are how the podcast aggregators know which shows to put in front of more listeners. I want these conversations to help transform and elevate how we as a culture, treat sex in long term relationships, don't you? So please go leave a review right now with a few words about what the show gives you. I would so so appreciate it.
Michele Christensen 11:17
And Hey, have you subscribed to the podcast yet? You will want to so you never miss an episode. Please go to Apple podcasts or wherever you listen and hit that subscribe button so you always get notifications of new episodes each week.
Michele Christensen 11:28
That's it for this week. Before I go, I just want to say I am rooting for you two so hard. Whatever you have, or haven't asked for in your relationship, whatever frustrations or disappointments you have weathered, I know, just know in my bones that the best sex of your life is ahead of you. It's not behind you. And I'm hopelessly devoted to helping you create it. Because sex is not superficial or shallow, or just for the newly in love. Sex is a gift that can keep on giving all our lives. Infusing our days with vitality and pleasure and deep connection. So if you're not inhabiting your sexuality fully, you're not fully living. And I want for each of us to have our full aliveness about us so that we can engage with the very real challenges that we face, both individually and collectively. So thank you so much for welcoming me into your day and your relationship.
Michele Christensen 12:16
This is truly the most intimate, inspiring privilege. And I hope that today's lesson has given you inspiration and clarity and ideas for how to share yourself with your partner and then invite them to open up with you as well.
Michele Christensen 12:27
I will see you back here same time next week. And until then please meet me in the Conscious Couples’ Circle at society.lisenbury.com, or you can leave me your stories and insights at (206)659-9865. That link and that number are written in the show notes too. And in the meantime, May the light within illuminate the world around you. That's it for this week.