Our conversations with our partners are among the most important activities in our lives. They can also be among the most emotionally activating experiences! These conversations shape how we feel about the relationship and about ourselves, and they either produce clarity, connection, and concrete, useful actions going forward… or leave us mired in frustration, sadness, anger or all of the above.
Here’s to the clarity, connection, and productive action that can come consistently when we have the discipline to stop making these communication errors:
Communication Mistake #1. The Heat of the Moment:
If we’re trying to talk about something right at the time we’re upset, we almost always sound more intense than we would if we waited to calm down. The longer we’ve dealt with a particular challenge, the harder it can be to NOT bring it up next time it happens, but when we address a topic under duress, we’re almost certain to be critical, to trigger our partner’s defensiveness, or both.
The solution: Settle down & focus.
Wait till you’ve cooled off, perhaps even talked the issue through with someone else. Then ask your partner for a mutually agreeable time to hear each other’s thoughts and feelings on the subject. Focus on JUST the area in question; don’t lump other issues - related or unrelated - into this conversation.
Communication Mistake #2. Bad Timing:
Even if you’re not all worked up like we just discussed, if you start a conversation when your partner is in the middle of something else, it can feel like an interruption and your partner can feel disrespected or harangued…. On the other hand, if you aren’t in a good space for the conversation and you cut it off, asking “can we talk about this later?” but you don’t name a time or circle back soon, your partner can feel ignored or neglected. Both represent bad timing, and both increase the chances your important conversations will be less than satisfying, even if they do wind up happening.
The solution: Find a good time, and follow through.
Remember that if your partner is male, their brain is likely to have a more dense corpus callosum (that’s the wall between the hemispheres of the brain) than a female brain, which makes focus easier and deeper for them, so you’re pretty much interrupting them ANY time you initiate a conversation! Their experience of “what I was doing” is much more focused than a female’s, so don’t assume they’re making a big deal out of the same interruption you would welcome or at least take in stride.
A female brain often has quicker left-hemisphere-right-hemisphere connection, which makes talking while doing other things easier for her, but makes intense focus harder.
I find “Is now a good time?” to be a magic question to ask when you’d like to talk with your partner. Ask it sincerely, so that “no” is an utterly acceptable answer, not rhetorically, as if it’s a personal insult if now is not a good time. If your partner says no, you can say, “Thanks for saying so. When you’re able, please let me know when would be a good time to talk about ____ (the topic).”
If your partner does this and you’ve said it’s not a good time, it’s important that you DO circle back and set up a good time to talk, so they’ll be able to feel safe in the future respecting that you’re busy, knowing that their need to talk is important to you and that you WILL have the conversation.
Communication Mistake #3. Harsh Startup:
The person who brings up the topic does it in an inflammatory way - intentionally or not. We talked above about initiating a conversation when you’re upset: it’s more likely to go badly. But even when we’re calm, all of us often sound more harsh to our partners than we realize. Seriously: even you.
The solution: Go gentle into that good talk.
Stop holding your partner’s defensiveness or reactivity to your “bringing things up” as all their fault (not that they don’t have a role in it!). Think of these conversations as holy ground in your relationship: they’re aflame right now, but there’s gold buried beneath the conflict or the topic. So put a lot of care and tenderness and spaciousness into the conversation. Think about the outcome you really want and the love that underlies that desire. Speak to those things. S-L-O-W. waaaaaay. doooowwwwn. You’re not coddling an overreactive jerk of a partner; you’re taking great care of a very precious relationship.
Communication Mistake #4. Scope Creep:
One or both of you drag a laundry list of grievances or evidence into the conversation, spiraling it out until it’s as unmanageable as the Roman Empire was. It’s true that today’s hurt - or today’s unfair accusation - will very often trigger the memory of old shit of the same unsavory flavor. Most of our conflicts fall into patterns, so of course they’re related. But we have neither the emotional stamina nor the time to address them all right now.
The solution: Be specific. Be current. Seek satisfaction and connection.
Find one specific thing that you would feel better if your partner really heard you about. Don’t pile onto that with “and another thing!” Be succinct in describing it. Make sure there’s something they can do - either an action you’re requesting for the future, or simply “I just want you to reflect this back in a way that lets me know you understand what it’s like for me.” As the listener, don’t retaliate and don’t provide counter-evidence or justifications. Breathe. Listen. Remember your purpose and intent: to have your partner feel better about this (one!) thing they’ve brought up and for both of you to feel closer. You don’t have to feel better about anything other than this one thing, and neither do they. Just this one. I guarantee, if this becomes a habit, the good feeling will cross-pollinate into many corners of your relationship, even if you never discuss them.
Communication Mistake #5. Dream Neglect:
You’re failing to hear the dreams each of you holds beneath the topic at hand, so the level of hurt and disagreement skyrockets past the issue into the stratosphere of “I don’t feel seen or understood here” even if you can’t pinpoint why.
The solution: Find both sets of deeper meanings.
Think more deeply about the dreams each of you might hold that inform your position on this challenging topic. Look at what matters most to each of you… and yes, this is a place to think about your childhoods and families:
What did you and/or your partner value most in your upbringing or backgrounds?
What was missing that you want to make up for in your life or your children’s lives?
What are you trying to re-create?
What are you reacting against?
What do you fear will happen or happen again?
THESE are the dreams that are driving your conflict, even if you’re not speaking about them directly. Make them explicit, and the conflict can’t help but shift.
Communication Mistake #6. Insufficient Lubrication:
Y’all aren’t having enough sex… Or delicious-enough sex. Orgasm bonds us to the people who’re there when we experience it. And full-body, totally surrendered orgasms are like rocket fuel. Life contains a lot of irritants, and the people we live with and share responsibilities with become symbols of all those pressures and irritations. If we want to feel great about our partnership, protecting the “we’re lovers” facet of our life together is a crucial counterpoint.
The solution: Put the O back in love.
Make it a priority to improve the frequency and pleasure of your intimate connection. Often, that means expanding your definition of “sex.” It’s not just about penile penetration, ending in ejaculation. Let sex be more about eroticism, desire, and pleasure. Experiment with different ways of “turning up the humidity” in your relationship — making more turn-on throughout the day… and taking turns exploring each other’s pleasure preferences in a less goal-oriented (and therefore less pressured) way, more often. Engage in self-discovery and each-other-discovery to expand far beyond the skillset and repertoire you’ve had to date.
Communication Mistake #7. Influence Unaccepted:
Often, it can feel to one partner like the other “harps on them” or “nags” or “won’t let up” on a particular issue. And sometimes, if it feels like your partner is a broken record, it’s because YOU are stuck in the same groove and not accepting their influence. Sometimes, the conflict wouldn’t be a conflict if one of the partners was more collaborative in decision-making.
The solution: Accept your partner’s influence.
Consider the possibility that it would actually benefit you to do as they’re asking you to do. In the decisions you’re making, consider what criteria your partner would use to evaluate the options. Ask for your partner’s opinion or desires. At the very least, it may benefit the relationship to at least take turns choosing.
There they are! The seven biggest reasons communication goes sideways. Did you see yourself and your partner in these seven mistakes?
Depending on which mistake(s) resonated, pick one solution you’ll focus on implementing this week. Once you’ve got the practice of that solution solid, come back and pick another to add. Your communication is on an upward trajectory.
Blessings on your love!