When you understand the 5 love languages, you can “speak” your partner’s love language and you can ask them to communicate their care for you in the “language” you best understand. The 5 love languages Gary Chapman articulated include:
Touch
Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Gifts
Acts of Service
You can learn more about each of Chapman’s 5 love languages on his website.
Understanding which of those things makes the person you want to have great sex with feel most connected to you is a great pathway to having more and better sex with them. And being able to tell your partner which of those “languages” is the way to help you feel cared for is also a way to unlock your own libido and feel closer and more passionate. But your own and your partner’s love languages are not a means to an end to wrangle more or better sex out of them (or yourself!)… This framework is just one strategy among many to help you as a couple create a truly intimate relationship that nourishes you both on many levels.
Taking the 5 Love Languages a Step Further
I help clients find even more nuance within Chapman’s original 5 categories, especially with regard to sex.
The Many Languages of Touch
“Touch” is a very broad category. When one person says that “touch” is their love language, that might be a euphemism for missionary-style sex. Or it might mean that they feel most loved when their partner rubs their back when they pass one another in the kitchen or on the way to the bathroom, or that they love to snuggle while watching a movie. Those are all different ways of connecting, and a couple’s closeness is well-served by a specific conversation about which is most meaningful.
The Many Languages of… Well…Language!
Similarly, when it comes to words…. What kinds of words work well for you? A lot of us like appreciation and affirmation from our partners: feeling seen, admired, and respected seldom gets old. But when we get into the bedroom, people’s preferences become more individual. Some like more dirty talk… but have a strong line over which their partner can’t cross without turning them off. Others are more aroused by declarations of love or enjoyment of their body or desire or undying devotion. Knowing what kind of words your partner wants to hear is very useful, clearly.
Nowhere are the right words more useful than when we’re trying to initiate sex with a busy partner. When do they want to hear about it? How do they want you to talk about it? With specific language or flirty innuendo? With more touch or kissing, or by sweeping the kitchen (that’s an act of service or partnership, by the way)?
For some people, if they haven’t had enough words of affirmation, enough verbal kindness and connection, they aren’t interested in sex. For others, it’s “I haven't felt helped out enough around the house” or “you haven’t brought me flowers or made any other thoughtful gestures” - they don’t feel loved enough to feel turned on. But if their partner hones in on the right love language button, they’re halfway to great sex.
The Many Languages of Time Together
People whose love language is quality time feel loved when they and their partners do things together. Which activities are key? That differs by person, but when someone has had the right quality time with their partner, they feel closer and are primed for great sex.
Inside the bedroom, quality time may take on the meaning of patience and adequate closeness and stimulation for full turn-on. It might mean snuggling during the afterglow. Or it might mean long marathons of lovemaking.
The Many Languages of Gifts
The notion of “gifting” with regard to sexual connection has traditionally been tied up with chivalry and romance… Stereotypically, the way into a woman’s bed was through bringing her roses or diamonds, plying her with trinkets.
The real power of gifts with regard to your erotic connection is that you can demonstrate your own attention to your partner’s desires and style through your thoughtful gifts of any size. Knowing their shirt size, their favorite color, or that they’re low on ink for their favorite erasable pens… These things tell your beloved that you’re capable of paying attention and that you care enough to do so. And in bed? A lover who knows how to pay attention and devotes their attention to what you most enjoy? That’s heaven! So when we signal that to one another through gifts, we’re setting the tone for our intimate interactions.
Another way to think of gifts with regard to intimacy is that we can gift our partners books, attractive or erotic clothing or undergarments (I would say lingerie, but I mean for any gender!), erotic toys or lubricants or literature or props or anything we think of that could enhance their pleasure. Gifting can broaden both your sexual horizons.
The Many Languages of Service
Another thing we can gift - another love language - is acts of service. In the original Love Languages literature, Gary Chapman talks about how some people feel loved when others do things for them. I do know that just about everyone is helped when somebody else handles stuff for them. And some people have been socialized that other people should do certain things for them, especially inside marriage. This can go any direction, gender-wise, but I’m guessing you can think of a few common assumptions about who will do what in a heterosexual marriage.
To deepen true intimacy, I help couples take their shared labor out of the context of service and into the context of running a successful, sustainable organization where every contributor is balanced and nourished. That means that nobody’s doing anybody a favor by handling anything. We’re both adults doing our fair share, even if that’s not 50-50; we find a balance that’s equitable given all the other factors in our shared and individual lives, and that allows us each to have space to explore and express our best selves.
This is why one parent taking the children on one weekend day so the other parent can get some sleep or friend time is definitely a contribution to that other parent’s well-being, but not really service. It’s baseline equitable partnership. And if the “me time” parent is spending that time doing laundry or cleaning or making travel arrangements for the family? They didn't actually get restoration time anyway. And they need to.
So if your sex life is dying on the vine amid your busy life, career, and/or parenting… Keep these truths in mind. An equitable arrangement is bedrock for building back toward more intimacy. A “favor” here and there is not going to build toward turn-on… It’s just action toward balancing the scales.
If it looks to you like your partner’s love language is acts of service, check it out. Is it really that they feel loved when you do things for them or in the family, or is it just that they want you to do things and they don’t want to do them?
And if you think you’d feel more loved if your partner did more of the things your household requires, check that out, too. Would you really feel loved, or just feel less frustrated, disrespected, or taken for granted? That’s not your love language, it’s inequity talking. You do need to balance out the shared labor in your home… and THEN you’ll be able to listen inside for what would actually make you feel more connected and turned-on.
When we’ve got an authentically equitable shared labor arrangement and it’s working, THEN Acts of Service can truly return to the realm of romance, of thoughtfulness… We can do things for one another that are “icing on the cake” rather than making up for something that is otherwise a sore spot or a burden on our partner. And those kinds of acts of service tend to be heart-melting and, if they are abundant enough, contribute to sexual desire.
For instance, knowing your partner’s favorite warm beverage, what temperature they like it, what they want added and how much, and serving it “just so” in their favorite mug? That’s just loving service! So is offering to rub their feet at the end of the day. If it’s TOTALLY extra… JUST for them… And you’re already being a great partner in all the invisible and mental labor your household requires, THEN it’s an act of service.
Take This Into Action
Use this article to start a conversation (or a series of them!) with your partner. Get curious and learn about how your partner’s love language translates into the bedroom. Then, get creative about how you will express it in a new way to take your shared pleasure to new heights.