Why do some men fear commitment? Where do commitment issues stem from?
Can people who are afraid of commitment fall in love? How might their commitment issues hinder their relationship? Can they overcome these issues? How?
Sometimes, people who accuse others of having “commitment issues” are pathologizing in the so-called “commitment-phobe” what may be simply a healthy respect for the importance of commitment.
Commitment means following through. It means directing resources according to the commitment, not according to our desires in the moment. It means sacrifice. If we don’t want to do those things, it’s a really great idea NOT to make the commitment.
More men than women are seen as “fearing” relationship commitment. In my opinion, that view is unfair to both women and men.
In our culture, female children are trained that their worth and social standing are contingent upon being desirable as partners. Their relationship to romantic commitment is conditioned to be one of seeking such commitment and seeing it as a way to get resources like security, wealth (at least relatively) and social credibility. And this sense that commitment creates access to resources is accurate: women are statistically much less likely to live in poverty, especially if they’re mothers, if they are married.
So while women may have individual struggles as they take on relationship commitments, they’ve also been taught very strongly to “get a ring on it!” so women often have little permission from within to resist commitment even if they do feel a bit daunted in the face of it.
Men, on the other hand, are taught to provide and protect. Boys are trained that their worth and social standing depend on their ability to earn money, perform sexually, and lead and protect their families. When men don’t feel ready or able or willing to commit to marriage or to deciding to have children, I often talk with them about the meaning that commitment holds for them.
These men’s experiences speak to me not of “fear of commitment” but of DEPTH of commitment. When they take it on, they want to get it right! If they don’t feel prepared, don’t feel their career has advanced enough, or worry about repeating mistakes made in their own upbringing, they hold off until they feel more confident of success, even if that means missing out on the chance to commit to a particular person they care for deeply.
Falling in love and committing to a relationship are not directly related at all. The former is an emotional experience: it’s something that seems to happen TO us. We describe it as falling, don’t we? Not rising or standing in love. The latter - committing - is a sort of contractual, cognitive and moral action. It’s something we DO. We MAKE a commitment.
In order to commit, if someone feels unprepared, is concerned about their chances of success, or believes that commitment will cost them something they don’t want to give up, they have to work through those feelings and thoughts in a concrete way.
I ask a number of questions to help people do that:
What CAN you promise with confidence, and what can you NOT confidently promise?
What kind of support do you feel you would need, in order to be successful?
What unwritten rules are you concerned will be enforced in this commitment that you don't necessarily want to abide by? What terms would you rather negotiate?
If you’re concerned you’re not “far enough along” career-wise, financially, in terms of maturity, or in another way, what do you feel is a reasonable milestone by which you WILL feel “far enough along?” What will that attainment give you that will allow you to feel more able to commit? What could you commit today, even if it’s less than what the other person is asking for? And what are you not yet certain of, when it comes to future commitments?
If you’re feeling like “after _____, I’ll be ready,” what is it that you feel that attainment or milestone will give you that will allow you to commit? What will you do if it doesn’t give you what you expect it to give? How might you move forward in your life if that assurance or attainment doesn’t ever materialize or doesn’t come to fruition in the way you’re expecting?
If you’re on either side of the conversation around commitment, it can be tremendously frustrating because often the two partners in this situation see their own viewpoint very clearly and it feels “only reasonable.” Bridging the gap between you often requires creating a more detailed picture of the concerns, agreements, and desires at play. My intention is that the questions I’ve provided above will help you create a more nuanced conversation. Regardless, I celebrate you both for your authenticity and your willingness to explore how to create mutually agreeable commitments you both make freely. That’s the only viable foundation for a happy and nourishing future together. Every blessing to you both!