10 Messed-Up Messages About Your Body & Sexuality That Are Limiting Your Pleasure

Messed Up Message #1:  

Females are supposed to look innocent, prim, and chaste.  The ones who look openly sexy are "bad" and will be judged by others and are opening themselves up to sexual assault, which may be interpreted as their fault because of their provocative attire or flirtatious behavior.  Don't dress for beauty or sensuality or sexiness.  If you do, you will not be taken seriously, and you will get in trouble, if not danger.

I ask you:  How do you desire to adorn yourself?  What do you desire to see when you look in the mirror?  What do you desire to feel when you slide your hand down your clothes? 


Messed Up Message #2: 

It's slutty, it's bad, it's dangerous, it's morally debased for women to feel the pulse of sexual desire and turn-on beating through our veins in every moment.  A woman who prioritizes sex in her life de-prioritizes other values like the life of the mind, nurturing relationships, career achievement, and civic contribution.

I ask you:  What role do you desire for sex to play in your world?  By your own values, what place will you make for pleasure amid your other priorities?  How will you honor your multi-faceted nature as a sensual creature?


Messed Up Message #3: 

Females are not supposed to go around looking and acting like they want sex.  And we're supposed to want sex with the person we're in a relationship with and not to want sex with numerous different people.  We're supposed to desire men.  Or maybe it's okay to desire women, but not to change our mind back and forth.  We are not to fantasize about a variety of partners... a variety of genders... a variety of locales... a variety of orifices. 

I ask you: What do you desire?  One lover or many or solitude?  Men?  Women?  Both? Neither?  Are you wired to share your body only with those you're emotionally intimate with? Or do you love to share sensual pleasure with people who're new to you or with whom you don't otherwise have connection?  Do you want it in the alley?  Do you want it in your ear?  Is what you want okay with you?  Or is it so NOT okay with you that you don't even ASK what you want?  If so, what would it take to start?


Messed Up Message #4: 

  When a man we're with (monogamously, of course) wants to have sex, all our cool-as-a-cuke virtuosity ought to instantly peel away and reveal beneath it the white-hot core of turned-on lady, so as not to reject his desire.  If, on the off chance, we LITERALLY DO have a headache, we're to feel guilty about not 'meeting his needs.'  

I ask you:  Where do you "provide" sex vs. meeting your partner in sex?  What do you do out of guilt?  If you knew it would go well to tell your partner what you need to meet your partner's desire with an equal desire of your own, what would you say you need?  


Messed Up Message #5: 

Unlike men, we are NOT to categorize our own sexual thoughts, desires, and urges, similarly, as NEEDS.

I ask you:  Are your sexual thoughts, desires, and urges legitimate needs in your mind?  Do you give yourself permission to have orgasm be on your list of basics, along with food, water, movement, sleep, love, and mental stimulation?  What would be different in your life if you honored your sexual needs fully?


Messed Up Message #6: 

We only deserve to have sex - enjoyable sex, at least - if we're free from cellulite and wrinkles and if we're gorgeously dressed and coiffed and made up.  Sexiness relies on long silky hair, lipstick, ample cleavage, a tiny waist, perfect thighs, tidy pubic hair, and a thousand other details we'll never perfect.

I ask you:  What if you're utterly sexy just as you are?  Have you asked your partner if (s)he shares your judgements about your body?  If there's something about your body or about sex that makes you nervous or stops you from fully letting go in intimate moments, is it really as real a concern as you've been thinking it is?  


Messed Up Message #7:

  Men know how to handle and satisfy women.  If he isn't already pleasing you to your heart's content, it's because something is intrinsically wrong with you or with him.  Also, his ego is so fragile that if you were to guide him in how your body works and how your pleasure unfolds, it would crush him to powder.  

I ask you:  What if there's nothing wrong with your partner; they just need more training on pleasuring you?  And what if there's nothing wrong with you and your needs; you're just not getting what you need?  If you trusted your partner to handle the discomfort of talking explicitly about what you'd like, what would you say?


Messed Up Message #8:

  Anything other than penetration is "foreplay", because the Real Event, obviously is penetration.  All else is introduction or coda, not a plot point.

I ask you:  What would happen if all intimacy... from one kiss to oral sex to any caress... were sex to you?  What if you eradicated the concept of "foreplay" from your thinking about sensuality?  What would be different?  What would change if you stopped making penetration the assumed goal (and conclusion)?  What if you took it off the table entirely, just for fun?  


Messed Up Message #9: 

A climax is an achievement, and an achievement for which you should strive, because without it, your lovemaking has been unsuccessful.  And that failure is an insult to you or to him or both, because (see #7) e should be able to please you and you should be able to "achieve climax."  If you are not adequate to this task of achievement, you are to feign its achievement.  Convincingly.

I ask you:  What contortions do you go through to "achieve" climax?  What if there's more to pleasure than tumbling over the edge we know as "climax" and mistakenly sometimes call "orgasm"?  What if you could have successful (read: satisfying to your body & soul, not just to your and your partner's egos) intimacy with or without climax?  If you embraced climax as something that sometimes happens, and you stopped striving, clenching, focusing, efforting, and pushing to "achieve" it?  And what would happen if you never faked your pleasure again, but instead asked for what you desire?  


Messed Up Message #10:

  A woman is not to pull away sexually just because her partner is emotionally unavailable or unkind or absent.  She's being a withholding bitch if she does.  She's blackmailing her partner "in exchange for" sex if she says she needs to feel closer to be turned on.

I ask you:  If you know (I sure do!) that you don't want to be withholding and you don't want to use sex as a carrot or a stick or a currency... What do you do with your anger and your sadness and your fear in an intimate relationship?  How will you convey your truth with candor and love?  How will you say "no" and tell the rest of the story out loud instead of mumbling it through your withdrawal?  And what would happen if you could bring your anger and your sadness and your fear directly into bed with you?